i bet on you
There are certain times where my life flashes before my eyes for no apparent reason and I can’t help but feel an immense amount of gratitude and emotion for the life I have fallen into. Or made for myself, or have been destined to live, etc. to the point of tears. I don’t know what it is and I feel like the way I view it changes most days. And lately I’ve been finding that it really is doable to make everything you want a reality and I feel so close to things as a kid I really didn’t think were real. When I get this feeling, it’s strange how it transports me to an almost traumatic place of being a child - I somehow end up in my home at eight years old feeling that those moments in Colorado would never come to an end. It’s the strangest kind of nostalgia and it neither hurts nor feels good.
For those who don’t know me, which I suppose only a few may know this, I’m not close with my dad. It’s an estranged relationship and has been for my whole life, even though he was around for most of my time in Colorado before I left for California at 19. He was there physically but neither of us know on another at all. What prompted me to write this, after having not written one of these sporadic entries in a while now - was receiving a text from him tonight.
“Hey gorgeous. I got my passport so after a few months might travel internationally. So late summer or especially fall got some places to visit?
Problem is I have never traveled internationally so have no guide or someone who knows where to go.”
I tell him I think he’d like Germany and he agrees. We text a few more times and tells me he’s going to travel the world. And as much as this doesn’t feel true to me I really do hope that it can be. I’d love to go back to being a child and believing that were true.
And so occasionally when your father is 50 years old and you realize that your role in people’s lives changes so drastically as time moves on, and you grow and others shrink. It makes me want to treat everything with a childlike innocence and feel that the world and people can be softer as time moves on. Though many would disagree this is the world I want to live in in this moment to make it a little easier on myself.