firsts

I decided I wanted to write a blog, I started one weeks ago and deleted it because I thought it was silly. I have no idea who will stumble upon this whenever they click my website but it’s literally just me rambling right now. Maybe my thoughts might help in some way? I’m not sure. But I think now more than ever it’s time to take my ideas and thoughts into heavy consideration about how important they really are. Just for myself. I think this is a good start.

I feel like this year in particular, but a lot of my time in Los Angeles has been filled with a lot of doubt. Doubt in myself, my capability to sustain my life out here, my talents, my voice, everything. I think it’s been a slow process but I think I am in such a dark hole lately because I’ve completely silenced myself and my ideas. I do not have the energy to create something, I barely have the energy to shoot anymore because I am so low on self esteem.

The last thing I want to do, especially today, is dwell on what has gone wrong. I have been in a mental state that feels as close to rock bottom as I’ve ever been with only one instance I can think of that might have been worse. I think that every little thing in my life has completely gone bonkers and I feel entirely out of control of my whole life. I can’t even get myself to pay attention to reading a book? This morning in particular, and yesterday, and the day before, etc. were insanely rough for me mentally and emotionally. I am not the kind of person to give up, ever - ever. But I felt pretty close to it.

Something I found to bring me solace was nature, of course. I went hiking at Tuna Canyon (though insanely windy) being with the elements was incredibly helpful. Even if it did only last a few minutes.

I have been fighting with myself for quite some time on the idea of failure. I feel like I’m failing here, staying in LA in the middle of a pandemic making my mental health even worse on myself and somehow spending more money even when I’m not paying rent?? or I feel like a failure by leaving LA and trying something else for a while. Though this morning, I have come to the conclusion that the only way to make something happen is by DOING something. Even though I feel like I’ve been doing something for months. You can’t change what’s happening if you keep doing the same thing. I need to be creating and I realize that they heavy financial strain that’s entirely out of my control has been thwarting any ounce of creativity I have in my body. So I guess it is time to try something different for a little.

I hope that whoever might read this will understand that you’re so not alone if you’re struggling right now. I think that it all feels so normal now that we feel the need to be incredibly productive again when in fact, the pandemic is just as bad if not worse than it was in the beginning. I hope that you have a moment where you realize that life will continue on in your favor, if it doesn’t feel like it now, then someday. And until then it’s time to find even a thought that gives you a glimmer of hope. Therapy is good. Been trying to get myself into a therapist for a week now - but there are options if you need and don’t have insurance based on income.

This first post honestly, there is no theme that I want the rest of the blog to follow or anything. Just simply marking where I’m at at this time in my life. Maybe I will start something where I read a book and do weekly analyses on them. I’m not sure. But if you’re reading - thanks for sticking around and come back for maybe more centered writing at some point!

Brittany

Cover image by Cal Lindsey